Let your imagination do the work.
Imagine Me

I'll give your imagination a little help.
Even though this blogg is fairly girly looking, I am a male type person. Oh and I live in Bellingham, Wa. You can stalk me if you want.

Not much else to say.
Read the blogg, enjoy or hate, and leave me a comment or 2.
If you don't like it I'll probably cry. That or just go on with my life. Yup most likely the later.

The Past Lives
01/01/2004 - 02/01/2004 02/01/2004 - 03/01/2004 03/01/2004 - 04/01/2004 04/01/2004 - 05/01/2004 05/01/2004 - 06/01/2004 06/01/2004 - 07/01/2004 07/01/2004 - 08/01/2004 08/01/2004 - 09/01/2004 09/01/2004 - 10/01/2004 10/01/2004 - 11/01/2004 11/01/2004 - 12/01/2004 12/01/2004 - 01/01/2005 01/01/2005 - 02/01/2005 02/01/2005 - 03/01/2005 03/01/2005 - 04/01/2005 04/01/2005 - 05/01/2005 11/01/2005 - 12/01/2005

These Help Pass The Time

Don't Be A *MOTHER FUCKER*
The Onion
In Passing; Randomly funny
Penny Arcade
Ironic Huh?
*Random Current Interest; Update 05/18/04*

*These People Are "Interesting"*

The Popsicle Stand
American Babies
Neon Virus
A Hooker With A Blogg; Let's hear it for technology
Here Is That Porn You Were Looking For; Kinda
Is This Girly Ugly?
Open A Can Of...
Missing Girl Or Girl Amiss?
Crazy Devil

A Few Facts
Tell your Grandmother about me.

design by maystar
powered by blogger
I love Jen
Mental Image
Friday, January 30, 2004

My Office Was Made By Frigidaire

It is so damn cold in the office today. I brought some lemonade with me in an open container and it is still cold. In order to warm up I have to go stand near the window and bask in the sun. I fee like a lizard lying on a big rock. Every once in a while I will lift one leg or arm to get it into the rays. Fuck it's cold. Thank God the sun is streaming through. Syrinx said something that I thought was funny. She was talking about string cheese and I told her it was fun to eat. She said she does not peel it she just eats it like a stick (my words). Her comment was "I don't have time to pull stringies off the sides". Sad. Everyone should have time for that.

Ohh look a penguin.

This image became words at 12:11 PM Thanks to ~Mysterio~



ATTACK OF THE NOSTALGIA!!!

Does anyone remember that TV show with the song in the beginning that goes, "You throw a ball against a wall and what does it do? It comes back to you. Like a boomerang a boomerang. Bing bong bang it's boomerang."? No? It starts out with a lady running in a filed chasing a big beach ball being followed by a group of kids and then she bounces the ball off the side of a big barn. I hated the show, but loved the song at the beginning. Still nothing? Well screw you. If you find the name of the show let me know. I thought it was just called Boomerang, but I could be wrong.


Bing bong bang.

This image became words at 10:53 AM Thanks to ~Mysterio~



Porn Porn Everywhere Porn

On the ride to work today I was behind a WTA bus and I saw this sign on the back. Now I have a fairly dirty mind, but who could not make out porn form a sign that said "36 passengers 1 Tail pipe" Come on that screams porn. I'm pretty sure that's how the WTA earns its real money. Public transportation has to stay afloat some way or another. And there are a lot of college girls on those busses. And Ride Share? Really even the logo they use looks dirty.

Wise man say, "Always look for porn in life and in life you will find porn".

This image became words at 9:33 AM Thanks to ~Mysterio~

Thursday, January 29, 2004

Wanted: 1 Stalker Non-Smoker. No Killing!!!

I wanted a stalker as you can see below. The problem is how do I get the kind I want without getting the killing kind. I mean its not like you can put your name in a box or anything. I have come up with the solution.

There should be a service like home swap. Here you can get in touch with people who are traveling and are willing to let you stay in there home while they are gone in exchange for staying in someone else's home. No rent. No fees. Just take care of the place. It's kinda creepy and I would never do it but hey it does kinda bring the world together and serves a function. So the thing I need is a stalker "victim" exchange service. One where I would put in what I am looking for in a stalker and a stalker would put in what they are willing to give, and they would match us up. Kinda like a dating service, but just for stalking. After all there are some people in the world who are just givers and enjoy making other people happy. Guess what. I like being happy. Who knows maybe something like that is already on the web. Not a dating service, but a stalking service.

Coming to a web near you.

This image became words at 4:08 PM Thanks to ~Mysterio~



What's That Smell?

Usually I ride with a co-worker to the office in the morning. Today my GF dropped me off because the co-worker wanted to bike. An ambition I just can't get into. Something about the comfort of a nice warm car on a rainy day.

After being dropped off I headed inside and made my way upstairs. As soon as I opened the door I was assaulted by one of the worst smells I have ever experienced. It almost knocked me over and more or less blinded me as my senses were thrown into overload. There is no way to describe this odor nor anything to compare it to. Doing so would not do it justice. As I pushed my way into the door, parting the invisible cloud that slowed my entrance I noticed that only my co-worker with whom I share a ride on normal days and one of my bosses were at work.

I sat in my chair and turned on my computer starting my morning rituals. The smell was just as pungent at my seat. I decided to reach into my pocket and grasp for what little salvation I thought I could find. I pulled out a piece of Trident Original flavored gum. Popped it into my mouth and began chewing. I found that blowing out of my mouth afforded me some kind of refuge from the stench as my nose was bathed in minty goodness.

After an hour or two my sensory adaptation had kicked in and I could barely notice the offending odor. But it kept coming back. The smell would come in waves. It would be fine and normal for about 10 minutes and then a horrid wave would sweep over me and cause me to retreat into my scarf. I could not figure out what the hell the smell was. I discovered its source at about 2:15 this afternoon.

I was sitting at my desk and the smell had died down again. My coworker came over and handed me a fax that had just come in. He looked down at me and holding out the paper said, "Here you are. This just came in for you". I almost cried. I was covered in a thick cloud of pure stench. It reminded me of fantasy book covers with the knight on the front being toasted by the dragon as it breathed fire on the mighty hero only I had no shield I could hide behind for protection. I turned away and mumbled a thank you while trying not to gag. It turned out he had been in the office for around 20 minutes before I arrived giving him time to infect the entire area with his breath of doom.

I had experienced this once before when my GF and I had given him a ride to and home from work. As he sat behind me I was pelted over and over again by wave after wave of horrid breath. Almost throwing me forward in my seat. It turns out the reason the smell kept coming in waves was because he would turn in his seat and face a different way after a few minutes of sitting, Kinda readjusting to become more comfortable. When he did this he would face more my direction and I would again get the full force of his dragon breath.

Now I have had bad breath in the past and I know everyone has, but I try to be conscious of it when I deal with people or when I am at work. I usually carry gum and am willing to pass it on and share with a friend, but never had I been subjected to something this bad. The smell was so powerful it filled the entire office and remained for most of the day, until I offered my co-worker a piece of minty trident there by masking most of the smell. Even though it was raining I opened the window for a few minutes and let the fresh air in. That mixed with the power of the gum helped to cut the odor, but did not kill it entirely. I am sure when I head home tonight my clothes will still smell of this bad breath.

Trident was my shield today.

This image became words at 3:05 PM Thanks to ~Mysterio~

Wednesday, January 28, 2004

How To Annoy Your Co-workers

One of my favorite things to do at work to annoy Princess is to listen to music. She is crazy about groups like the Bee Gees and other 70's era groups. Not usually a problem as I like a little funk every now and then, but everything else to her is just shit. I think she has a problem letting go of the past and excepting the fact that she is almost 40. Not old, but also not 20. So one of my favorite things to do is to launch a techno radio station on my computer. One that is sure to play revamped 70's music in heavy beat techno dance mix. Current favorite is almost anything by DJ Sammy. It's the best because most of the songs they cover start out like the originals and she gets all excited and normally comments on how she LOVES this song and asks me to turn it up. Then it goes into a heavy techno beat and she almost cries and demands to know who this is and why they are ruining the best years of her life. I just leave the music up and sit back and smile.

Damn it's good to be evil. }:)

This image became words at 3:51 PM Thanks to ~Mysterio~



Now Serving Stalker #1

I need a stalker. Hear me out. I don't want one of those hey look at me I'm crazy, follow me, call me all the time, ask who I was out with, shoot the president to impress me kinda stalker. I want a kind, quiet , peaceful, shy, giving kind of stalker. The kind whom purchase gifts for me and just kinda leave them on my doorstep. Or who would take a bullet for me, but not put a bullet in me. If you fit teh bill then please feel free to stalk me at anytime. We can even sit down and discuss the rules if you would like. I like flower (yes guys enjoy getting flowers and besides it makes the house look nice), clothes, some jewelry, but not much, maybe something for my cat, books, and xbox games. You can also just give me cash. Hell if you want you can even purchase some underwear for me. I could always use new boxers. So if you fit this criteria and live in the Bellingham are or are willing to ship gifts long distance style then please feel free to stalk me.

Looking for passive, not aggressive.

This image became words at 10:01 AM Thanks to ~Mysterio~

Tuesday, January 27, 2004

Ex Roommate Pt. 2: The New Bed

Here is something that Trench reminded me of. After the famous failed "Digimon defense" and my roommate got out of jail he did not come back t o live with me. To the best of my knowledge he was living with his mom in an apartment close to his previous, my current, home. I would see him every once in a while hang out around the apartments and would try to avoid him. If he saw me he would try to talk to me and I was really not looking forward to any stimulating conversation with this rare genius. So as I said I would avoid him, but he would always seem to know when I was home.

I worked a job in which I closed at this time. Not the convenience store job. A different one. I don't want to talk about it. Anyway I would close at about 11pm on weekdays I think and I don't know 1am or so on weekends. I would get home shortly after that as my work was very close to my residence. When I would get home I would sometimes see him standing on the upper walk way. We lived on the second floor and he would stand near there. At first I just passed it off, but then I began thinking he was stalking me or something. So after about a week I began talking to him and asked what he was doing here. He said he was staying with a friend he knew in the complex and he was just hanging out and getting some fresh air. Fine whatever. Just leave me alone.

After about a week I no longer saw genius hanging around my apartment. I was pretty happy. This lasted no more then 4 days. After those 4 days he began showing up like clockwork after I got home, but it was not like last time. He was not waiting for me. He would appear during the evening while I was doing my laundry. As I said I got home pretty late and I would come home and do some laundry. I would walk down to our laundry/storage room, throw my clothes in, come back for some TV, and then head down to throw them in the dryer, and there he would be waiting for me. It was like he had a camera in the laundry room or something. Odd. I just could not figure out how he kept showing up. Until one day it all came together.

Our laundry room/storage is set up so that when you walk in the door you see one washer and one dryer to your left...straight ahead are the storage compartments.. it is mainly on big room with a makeshift hallway with the hall in front of you and doors to the left and right. The storage compartment walls were made of chicken wire and the doors were wood. If you were first entering the laundry room you could look all the way down the line of storage compartments on either side and see right through to the far wall. One day while doing laundry (it was my day off so I happened to be home during the daylight hours and fully awake) I noticed that the far storage space on the left side had curtains hanging over the chicken wire. This totally blocked out the view into the storage space. I also remembered that the laundry heater had been on the past few nights and thought that was odd cause no one LIVES in the laundry room so no one ever turned on the heater in there. Hell it was a fire hazard with all the stuff in storage. I decided to walk down to the closet, which is what it was more or less, no bigger then ohh say 7 feet long and 3 feet wide, but it reached to the cealing . There was a space from the top of the door to the ceiling but it was pretty small so that people could not get in and steal your stuff, never mind the fact that they could just cut the chicken wire. So I get to the end of the "hall" see the curtain hanging and think to myself, "WTF?" I mean come on why would someone put up a big curtain...it looked like a fort some kid would make.

Being to curious for my own good I pull back the curtain by reaching around the side and unhooking the hooks used to hold it up. I would have opened the door, but it had a shiny new padlock on it. Once the curtain was down I went into the storage closet next to this one which was empty and peered through the chicken wire. What I found was my ex roommate's clothes, his razor, a sleeping bag laid out, and a fucking ALARM CLOCK!!!!! He had been sleeping in the laundry room ever since he was released from jail more or less. I went back in a few nights later and the curtains were back up and the heater was on...I just turned around and left.

I think someone else found out about his new little bungalow because 2 weeks later the curtain was gone and all his stuff was gone and we all got notices to make sure we locked the doors to the laundry rooms. Hell that did not even matter as I found out he still had a key to the laundry room. Whatever. A few months later I was talking to my neighbor who lived next to the laundry room and I told her this story. She said that in the past she had heard noises every once in a while against her wall and it sounded like someone was thrashing around or sleeping. She knew no one lived next to her cause she was against some storage units, but she said she told her friends she could hear something and they all thought she was crazy. She was kinda happy and creeped out to find that the whole time it was genius living in the storage unit against her wall.

Sometimes things do go Bump in the night. :[

This image became words at 3:48 PM Thanks to ~Mysterio~



Who AM I Now???????

I know I have not been posting much about my current life. Mostly about the past and what not. That will probally change and the posts will most likely become shorter. Or maybe they wont. Who knows. Maybe if you have a time machine you can hop in it or on it or whatever you do and take a short trip to the future to find out. Hey if you do then let me know how it turned out k? Thanx.

Thank you drive through...

This image became words at 1:35 PM Thanks to ~Mysterio~



My Ex Roommate ->

I once shared an apartment with a guy who was not very smart. OK saying he was not very smart is not exactly right. He was fucking stupid. If we were sitting in the living room watching TV and I asked him something he would continue to stare at the television and reply with a "huh?" and a dazed look. I would ask again and he would give the same response. Then I would begin calling his name at which point he would turn to me for a second or to with his mouth hanging open while listening and then turn back to the show we were watching in the middle of my sentence. It got to the point where I had to turn of the set in order for him to pay attention to me.

He kinda reminded me of a Gorilla we used to have in Tacoma named Ivan. He resided at the B&I in a small room with glass windows and would just sit there all day watching TV. Only to glance over once or twice when someone banged on the glass. I tell you this so you can better understand what follows.

I was sitting in my room one day playing a game on the computer and my roommate "genius" (like calling a bald guy curly) comes in and tells me he is going down to our friends house who lives a few blocks away. I see him get into his car and drive away. I sit back down to finish my game and then decide to watch a little TV. Cartoons where on and I like cartoons. Have you got a problem with that? No? Good? About 2 hours pass and I'm in the middle of watching something or another not sure what but I definitely know that I was not watching Digimon. This will become important later. Genius bursts into my room and is huffing and puffing and looking VERY nervous and fidgety.

It had been a long time since I had seen this much action out of him. He normally just walked around like a zombie and said, "huh" a lot. As this was so unlike him I decided to ask what was wrong and he goes on to tell me that he just got done running home from our friends house and that our friend was not home when he got there. Now take into account that genius had been gone for around 2 hours already so something did not seems right. I ask why he did not drive home since he drove there and he just responded with, "I don't know I just decided to run home." I shrugged this off and just kinda left it at that. Like I said the guy was not the brightest of them all so I figured it was best not to try to understand.

The very next day I get a knock on the door and when I open it I am greeted by a sheriff. My heart speeds up and then just stops as I stand in the doorway in front of this green clad giant with an over stuffed bullet proof jacketed barrel chest. Oh and of course a gun. He looks at me and asks, "Is 'genius' home?" and I breath a sigh of relief. "No genius is currently out and I'm not sure when he will be back in.", I respond. The now not so intimidating (at least now that I know I'm not the one in trouble) man hands me his card and asks that I please have genius give him a call when he gets in. I agree to this and the sheriff leaves. I look down at the card and begin to wonder what the fuck is going on and then head back to my room.

When the roommate gets in I hand him the card and ask, "what's up?" to which he responds"I don't know". OK whatever. I leave him with his card and yet again head back to my room. It's a safe haven from him. A while later I hear the door being knocked on and genius opening it. After some mumbles that I try to listen to through the door to me room I hear the door shut. I look out my window and I see genius in hand cuffs being led out to an unmarked car bye a guy in a suit. Turns out this was a detective that had come to arrest genius.

At this point I still have no idea as to what has happened. I call my other friend (the one genius was going to visit the day before) and fill him in on the situation. He says he has not seen genius in 3 days. Odd. It turns out genius had stolen some checks from another rmutual friend's house (the checks belonging to said friend's dad) and had gone to a local electronics store to purchase a phone with these checks. I forgot to mention that genius had also stolen friend's dad's ID. Now genius is a very light tall skinny black man. Our friend's dad was short, plumpish, late 40's and WHITE. I still don't understand. Genius purchased the phone with a check and then later during the day, when he said he was going to our friends house, he went back to the store and tried to return the phone for cash. The store clerk noticed that the phone was purchased that day and that it was payed for with a check so he decided to see if the check was still in the till. It was.

The clerk told genius that he would just give him back the check and they would be even. Genius decided to create a ruckus and demand that he get cash back for the phone. Clerk said, "no" and offered the check once again to genius. No dice. Clerk decides to go get the store manager and genius decides to wait for said manager. Now I don't know if it was just that genius was nervous or was just un aware of the fact or what, but it turns out that one of our acquaintances was the manager of the store. As the clerk led the manager out, genius got a glimpse at our acquaintance and the acquaintance got a glimpse at genius. As the clerk approached genius tried to leap over the counter and snatch the check out of his hand. He got away with most of the check leaving only a corner with the name and address of the owner of said check. After his triumphant leap genius ran out of the store and was chased bye manager and clerk both. He could not run to his car so he ran around to some grassy area and then made his way home. Explaining why he was huffy and nervous when he came into my room later that day.

All this I got form the manager of the store, the clerk, and the friend whos dad the checks were stolen from. As it turns out our friend's dad had seen genius leaving his house one afternoon on his way home. He assumed that genius was just visiting his son and thought nothing else of it.

About a month later genius comes home and tells me he had been arrested for something that he did not do and he has a court date later this month and he wants me to testify for him. He says he knows he was home during the time the crime took place cause we were in my room watching Digimon together. Don't laugh, I like cartoons and I would watch that sometimes when it was all that was on. I tell him I can not remember what the hell I was watching a month ago when he came into my room, but I was pretty sure it was not Digimon. He begins to whine and beg and plea and state that this is the only way he can prove where he was at the time. At this point I say fine if they ask I will say I THINK you and I were watching Digimon, but I can not be totally sure. He says that will be fine and tells me when the court date is.


I arrive at court and meet his lawyer for the first time and she verifies my story with me as I tell her I am in no way sure that he was home during the time and that if they ask I will say as much. She nods knowing, I'm sure, that she is about to loose and wondering how many years of being a public defendant it will take to pay off her law school loans. I take my seat and wait to be called as a witness. The prosecutor calls me up and I take the stand. "Do you...." "I do" "Be seated". I sit. At which point the prosecutor presents to me the question, "Can you vouch for the location of 'genius'?" I say yes and he replies with, "where was he?" me, "With me" prosecutor,"and how can you be sure of the time?" to which I have to respond with a straight face in a courtroom with a judge looking down at me, "We were watching Digimon." Now at the time I was about 23 years old I think. I can understand why I could hear giggles in the courtroom. The judge was not as young and apparently had no young children or grandchildren. He looks down at me and asks, "What is Digimon?" I hang my head for a moment and then look up and reply, " It's a cartoon." Judge rolls his eyes and the questions go on. The final question from the prosecutor was one I was very grateful for. "Are you positive that genius was at your home with you at this time?" :) I respond with "No. I can not be positive because it was more then 2 months ago."

Genius was found guilty and went to jail for some time and I was left with a 2 bedroom apartment all to my self. I was happy to be rid of him. For the time being. You see shortly after he got done serving his time, a few months I don't really remember, he came to me and told me a store in a couple cities over had charged him with credit card fraud.

Turns out that the day before the phone incident he had gone shopping with a credit card that he had also liberated from our friend's dad. The clerk became suspicious when she asked for ID and genius took out the card owners ID and covered the picture with his thumb. When the clerk asked him to move his digit he said no. She asked again and he took the card and ran out. They had it all on tape and I got to talk to some people who had seen it. All during the phone incident he had been saying he was innocent and continued to keep this up during the card charges as well. He wanted me to yet again testify for him and I said no. He said I had to because I had already done so for the other thing. I told him it was a different day and he said ok but can you say I was at home and I can get some phone records that say I was on the phone. I Told him no and he moped about.

As it turned out the case with the card got dropped for some reason or another. I think the clerk was fired and did not want to testify or something. I don't really know, but I'm sure some day I will see this guy on world's dumbest criminals.

"I was watching Digimon." is not a good alibi. :0)

This image became words at 12:54 PM Thanks to ~Mysterio~

Monday, January 26, 2004

Convenient Breasts

A few years ago I worked in a convenience store. It was a combo gas station store type thing. It was a pretty lax job. I would work on the weekends grave yard shift. The shift ran form 11pm-7am. This schedule allowed me to go to school and still have a part time job. It was nothing great mind you but it was extra money coming in. The work was pretty easy and the traffic would die down around 3:30am or so. I was the only employee in the store during the grave yard shift. The only job besides watching the till and taking money I had was doing some clean up of the area and facing the store.

Facing is when you go around and line up all the product on the shelves and make sure all the labels are turned out towards the customer. Someone put a lot of work into developing those shiny labels to catch the consumers eye. It was the least I could do to make sure the customers could see them. Most of this work took about 2 hours to complete. at the most. Now since the flow of customers stopped at 3:30 I had plenty of time to finish my work later in the morning...and a little time to goof off. You would think this job would be rather boring, but it had it's perks.

One of my favorite perks had to have been the drunk girls that wanted to purchase alcohol. The store was located on the main strip of the town. You know the one. It's where the teenagers drive during the weekend and stop to hang out. In fact the store parking lot was one of the favored hangouts for some reason, but I will get to that. Back to the drunkards.

The store, being on the main strip, was just down the street form almost all of the major "clubs" and bars. I say "clubs" because this town did not really have any clubs, but they had a place that played what ever music was popular at the time with space for dancing. In Washington state the bars close at 2am and stores are not allowed to sale alcohol past that hour. In fact it was my job to go around with my trusty little key at 2am and lock up the doors to the coolers housing the confidence in a can. Or bottle. Don't want you to think we just locked up the cans.

The close proximity of the store to the bars made it a very popular location. Patrons of the various watering holes were able to stretch out every last moment at the hip spots and still be able to make it to the store in time to purchase libations for the "after hours".

For those of you who do not know, after hours are the parties that people throw after the clubs close. The idea is to invite all the people you have met that night back to your house to drink and continue the party. Or maybe give you a little extra time to get that girl drunk that you have been talking to all night. Cause you know, sometimes 3 hours of buying her drinks is not enough and this way she's already at your house when she finally passes out. Enough dating advice.

Just to catch you up, bars close at 2, stores stop selling alcohol at 2, the store is close to the bars, and people want more alcohol after the bars close. This makes life from 1:30am - 2:30am very ....let's say fun for me. I do not know how it is on the weeknights, but on the weekends this is usually how the shift goes. As I said I started at 11pm.

I would get to the store, would count my till and set up for the evening and send the swing person home. From 11pm - about 1:20am or so I would mostly deal with kids hanging out in the parking lot or coming in and purchasing gas so that they could drive back and forth and back and forth and back and forth and back and forth ( you get the point) down the major strip. Everyonce in a while I would go out and clear the lot so that it did not get over run with adolescence standing around and Bull shitting. Most of the time the kids would understand and depart with no hassle. Good for me. Better for them. I had a pretty good relationship with most of the "youngsters" because I would treat them with respect and they would leave when I asked. Some of my other co-workers were real asses and no one would listen to them because of it. So these kids would hang out, purchase stuff, and then drive about. That was the schedule from 11 - about 1:45 or so.

A little before 1:30 I would start to clear the kids out of the parking lot to get ready for the rush of drunks that was sure to flood in at any moment. This became a schedule that most of the "regular" hanger outers were used to so they would begin to leave before I even went out most of the time. With the kids cleared out I would head inside to prepare for the rush of thirsty (horny) patrons. Shortly after 1:30 a mass of drunk, sweaty, and eager patrons would start to fill the small parking lot and rush through the door heading straight for the holy and I'm sure to them glowing cooler doors which held there coveted refreshment. And maybe pass by the chip isle on the way.

Lines would form and people would crowd pressing against each other and telling the person in front of them to, "Hurry up before they stop selling!!". This was a favored line along with, "Is it to late to buy?" from a customer pleading as they come through the door heading for the cooler. So the store would go from more or less dead to almost no room to walk in just 10 minutes. The smell of the store would also change. It would mix with what I am sure is some kind of an aphrodisiac potion concocted of alcohol, sweat, adrenaline, perfume, deodorant, cologne, and just pure sex. I believe I have smelled every type of perfume and cologne that is currently out on the market and some of those all mixed together. All in all not a really good smell to those of us who happened to be sober at the time. Anyway. The store would fill and I would check ID's and the line would move with customers becoming more and more anxious as the clock got closer and closer to the daunting hour of 2am at which point I would have to say, " Ohhhh sorry but it's after 2 and I can't sale.".

This was actually a fun time for me. I wont lie I enjoyed the power I had and sometimes abused it. If a customer was being an ass I would start to slow down. The more of an ass the person was, the slower I would go. Now this did not mean much to the patron, but it meant a lot to the ones behind him. If he took to long then the others may not be able to get in before the clock struck 2. Ok the clock was digital and did not strike anything, unless you count the atoms crashing into each other to make the electricity that made the red dots light up, but you get the point. Most of the customers knew the drill and was aware of the fact that I was fast and would ring people right through unless they were being an ass so if I started going slow and the saw the customer ahead of them causing trouble and endangering there opportunity to kill a few more brain cells they would start telling the guy to hurry up and not make trouble and just get out of the way if they were going to slow everyone else down. It was a good deal. I was kinda like the guy that dishes out the gruel in oliver.

The customers would shuffle through get what they came to purchase and file out.. the line dying down and everyone happy by about 1:58. Sure I would get a few stragglers who would come in and ask the question above, which I would have to respond to with, "Sorry past 2." and they would go out mumbling with head down and a little less happy. Sometimes people would get mad and start up a little whining session that went something like, " Come on man I tried to get here on time but just missed." or, " Its only 2:15 can you ring it up anyway?" or, " I've had a long day come on man just this once." and I would have to say, "nope." and they would head out usually mumbling under there breath. At that point I became to them a hated foe who just wants to bring them down, however the next week if they returned on time I once again became there Hero able to supply them with the sweet sweet nectar they craved so I was not to put out by the reaction to the news. These were the ones that gave up fairly easy and left the store with just a little hassle. Some customers where a little more ambitious.

One trick to loosen the clerk A.K.A. me up was to grease the palm a little bit.... It's amazing how money can make time reverse. I'm sure when Einstein was doing his calculations he never thought to take into account the amount of influence a $50 bill could have on the flow of time. Why in that store alone it has been known to either slow, stop, or even reverse time by as much as 20 minutes. Of course there are variables to this amazing mix of science and commerce. The most important is it only works with regulars whom you know and have seen actually drunk in the store. Also the already inebriated can usually pull of this amazing act of time travel. Don't get me wrong it's not a sure thing and I have been known to turn down as much as $150 for the privilege of taking the customer on a trip back in time to the days before 2 AM. Money is not however the only way to loosen the locks on those frosted glass dored chests of treasure.

This trick I learned form the person I took over graveyard for. He was a trusted friend and actually got me the job. He was well respected by the boss and most of the customers. His trick was the pure holly land and what made dealing with most of the other drunks worth while. Not all the patrons who came in to purchase alcohol after hours wanted to try the commerce time travel trick, nor where all of them male. A female had one last option for disturbing the flow of time.

My friend told me that often a drunk or rosy female would come in and set a case of there drink of choice on the counter and wait for the clerk to ring her up. This of course could only take place if the clerk had not yet gone back and locked the cooler doors. My pal told me at this point he would explain to the thirsty customer that it was past 2am and we are not allowed to sell alcohol past that time. She would beg and he would explain that he could get in a lot of trouble and that she could be an undercover cop. Sometimes cops would come in and try to purchase after 2 or maybe the liquor control people. The customer would normally respond with, " But I'm not a cop. Come on please sell to me". To which my friend would reply, "How do I know you're not a cop?" ;). Of course the slow witted half drunk would state, "I promise I'm not a cop." and my friend would reply with, "Prove it." perhaps the best words ever invented in such a stituation. Sometimes the lush (oops sorry, the woman) would ask how and my friend would explain the concept of wires and if she was a cop she may have on a wire and the only way to prove she was not a cop would be to flash him. All pretty much bull shit but hey if it aint broke... Others just got it right off and totally understood..at ,"Prove it." the shirt would go up and after a moment the buttons would be pressed, money would exchange hands, and life would go on at our happy little store.
It took me about 4 shifts, that is a month, to decide to try this out and I was not disappointed.

It is amazing what these people are willing to do to keep the party going a little big longer. It is equally amazing that I was willing to break the law for as little as a flash of some breasts. This was great in a small town because I almost allways would see these girls durning the week in the daytime while they were sober at the store or some place and if the remembered they would kinda look away or get very shy and red. Some however would look me straight in the eye and smile. The only problem with this system was the drunk women would not always understand that this was just a business transaction and it was more about just seeing if they would do it then anything else.

I was happy with a GF and while I enjoyed taking a peek everyonce in a while, I wanted no more then that. Some women thought that 'cause I wanted to see that much of them then maybe I would want a little more or even to come over and party with them. Often I would get asked what time I got off (7am) and if I wanted to come over after that. A if they would not be passed out or had even forgot the invitation by then. Not once did I take them up on this offer, but sometimes I would let them stick around and talk to me to pass the time during the slow hours of my shift only to kick them out when I had to get the nights work finished. That was one way to pass the time. That and dancing infront of the cameras and being a complete goof... I would dance around and goof off and what not and I'm sure the boss saw it all (he liked to watch the tapes around beer rush time cause he was aware of the flashing policie and the amazing effect breasts have on time) and he never said anything aout it. So over all it was a pretty good job. I worked 2 days a week so I did not get sick of it and I was usually entertained bye the patrons. Well that and the occasional convenient breast.

Amazing how little we know about time ;)

This image became words at 12:15 PM Thanks to ~Mysterio~

Friday, January 23, 2004

The Virgin Post And The Princess

Mmm virgin post. It's so new and unexplored. I feel lost, but yet confident in my ability. Enough of the innuendos. So this being my first post I suppose I should tell you about my self and maybe explain why I have a blogg and what got me started here. Hmmm yeah see... I'm not going to do that. I would, however like to say thank you to Syrinx for her help and support. There was a lot of "hey what do you think of this color?" and "OK I just changed something go look." Also just as much thanx to my GF whom I got up out of the chair and made view my work in progress. OFTEN.
So on to the post. I work at an awesome job. I get paid fairly well and have to do little or no work most of the year. It is inside and usually warm (the air conditioning tends to kick on in the winter for some reason). My work environment is pretty lax and the dress code is something any presentable person can agree with. As I said I don't really do that much work. 4 or so months out of the year are busy here and at those times I'm usually stuck in the office for a good 11 hours a day and some Saturdays as well. And those months are not all in a row.

Currently it is our dead time of the year and I get to sit here in my chair (which the company just recently ordered for me) and surf the web or read. It's pretty dead and all I have to do is answer some phone calls and maybe do a little data entry. And I get paid for this. We used to have a lady who worked here who would bring in her laptop from home and complete the payroll and billing for the business that her and her husband ran. It was like she was getting payed to come to work and do her personal business. Pretty sweet deal. However this is all just background so that I can tell you about the princess of the office.

The princess is around 39 or so.. has long blonde hair and thinks that everyone should bow down to her. She tires to get everyone else to do what ever she can for her. As an example I had been working here for about 2 weeks and gotten the hang of the software we use..I also noticed that when ever she need a certain type of print out she would ask one of our bosses to do it for her. Being familiar with the software I had learned to complete this task she constantly asked for and decided to show her how to do it her self. Her response was, " Oh no that's ok I don't want to learn anything new I'll just have *one of the bosses* do it for me." Now I understand being apprehensive about learning something new, but flat out stating that nah you are not even interested in trying to learn is just crazy. Like I said, just one example of many.

Princess also has a side business at home. Wait for it. Are you ready? She is a Hair designer...shocking I'm sure. She fits the part well. Anyway on to my point. Princess often leaves during the day to go run errands or as she told me one time "I sometimes go down and sleep in my car (a Lexis)". She will sometimes clock out and sometimes stay on the clock for these errands. Hard life there. Work starts at about 8 am, but she is usually in at around 9:30 or so. She constantly whines and complains about how either the computer works or about minor issues that come up having to do with our job. Again just trying to let you know about her personality.

So today princess lets us all know that not once but at two separate times she will be leaving work today to go cut two clients hair. She did not even try to make anything up! She just told our boss that she will be in and out today for that reason. Seems kinda ballsy to me. I mean to tell your boss that your going to go to your home job but you will be back after you have finished. Think about where you work. Could you tell your boss you will be "in and out" today and give the reason for this as being "I have some other work to do with my home business"? Hmm unlikely. This girl really does rule the office though. She more or less insists on being treated like the Princess she is. Which is fun for me. A sideways comment here and there helps the day pass just a little quicker :) and she is so easy to make fun of to her face with out her getting it. She also has to have everything just correct this girl.

Princess was gone for about a week a bit ago and one of my coworkers decided to use her chair 'cause it was more comfortable then the one he used to have( he also received a new chair recently). Before she came back he put the chair back in her cube and reset the comfort controls to the previous position. Everything was fine and looked normal. About two days after princess was back at work she looked over at us while sitting in her chair and exclaimed " My chair feels less comfy on one side. I think someone has been sitting in it." Now our coworker only sat in her chair for about a week and at no time did I see him jumping up and down on it or placing stacks of filling cabnets on it. He did not reach in and pull out hand fulls of stuffing, nor did he gather the foam by reaching over the fabric and bunching it into one corner. The guy weighs about ohhhhhh MAYBE 145 lbs. He is by no means large and he just more or less sits there when he is doing his work. I can not for the life of me figure out what he could have done to influence the structure of the chair. At the moment of comment on the chair padding my coworker and I look at each other and just stair. Finally he tells her that he was sitting in her chair while she was gone cause his was so old and uncomfortable. With this princess lets out a sigh and says, " I can always tell when someone is in my cube or just around my area. I guess I'm like the princess and the Pea. Tee hee."

Well at least she is aware of the fact that she's a princess. *Le Sigh*

This image became words at 12:53 PM Thanks to ~Mysterio~

design by may
maystar design; edited by me